Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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