Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
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Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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