Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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