I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
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Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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