Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
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they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize