I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
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I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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