the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
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That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize