Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
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It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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