His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
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margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
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I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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