I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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