dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
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For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
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Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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