I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
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then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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