The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
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When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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