so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
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His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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