I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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