I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
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Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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