you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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