Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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