the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
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It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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