there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize