I wish I could teleport
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
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How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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