I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
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2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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