I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
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So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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