i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
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What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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