EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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