if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
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I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
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Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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