it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
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You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
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We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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