I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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