I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
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I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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