dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
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Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
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Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
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