I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
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Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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