why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
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That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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