We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
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I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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