trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
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I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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