im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
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he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
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And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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