So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize