The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize