either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
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He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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