he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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