this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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