My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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