tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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