Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I didn't notice because vodka
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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