Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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