I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
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I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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