I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
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I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
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She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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