does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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