Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
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I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
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YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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