my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize