At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
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I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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